Online grooming and sexual abuse
Online grooming and sexual abuse
Social networking sites and (other online environments) are awesome ways to meet cool people and keep in touch with friends. But remember - not everyone out there has the best intentions.
What is it?
Grooming is when a person tries to 'set up' and 'prepare' another person to be the victim of sexual abuse. Although not everyone who is sexually abused is groomed beforehand, it's a very common and dishonest process which can be done by strangers or someone you already know. The process can take quite a while (even months and years), and can be very subtle and sneaky. Victims of grooming often do not realise that they're being manipulated until after they have been sexually abused, and even then, some victims do not see how the grooming led to their abuse.
How do you know if someone is trying to groom you online?
Online grooming is often quite difficult to recognise. Sometimes you might even think you are being groomed when someone is just trying to be friendly. However, because your safety (and that of those around you) is at stake, it is always better to be over-careful. Prevention is far better than cure when it comes to online grooming.
The following are some 'clues' to look out for when someone might be trying to groom you online.
If someone:
- asks you for information about you or someone else which could help them identify you, especially early on in your relationship with them
- is interested in exactly where you are, and who is with you or near you
- wants you to keep your relationship a secret from others
- tells you things (or does things) which make you feel uncomfortable
- asks about your sexual experience, or how you feel about doing certain sexual things
- is interested in what you are wearing, or what you wear to school or bed
- wants to know if you have a boy or girlfriend
- is interested in your timetable or schedule, and when you will be alone or not with your parents or caregivers
- wants to communicate with you (phone, text, chatroom etc) at weird hours, like when everyone else is in bed or out
- is interested if you are unhappy or lonely, and whether you get 'enough attention' or get along with your parents or caregivers
- wants to meet with you alone or in secret
- wants to send you a mobile phone so they can talk with you
- wants you to send them pictures of you or of other people, and/or wants to send you pics of themselves
- wants you to go to websites that contain pornography
- is much older than you and wants to be friends
- gets angry at you and tries to get you to 'make up with them'
- wants to send you gifts that you think are excessive (over-the-top in value or are of a very personal nature)
- asks you to move your webcam so they can see certain things
- somehow seems to already know things about you that you have not told them.
The above list is a list of potential clues that the person you are communicating with is trying to groom you. Even if only one 'clue' applies to you, it should still be taken seriously.
What you can do if you think someone is trying to groom you
- Do NOT do whatever it is they are asking of you
- Immediately put a stop to the way the conversation is going. This might either mean that you make it very clear to the person you are communicating with that you are not happy with what they are saying or doing online, or it might mean that you need to end the conversation completely. Be polite but firm in what you say. If you need some ideas about what you can say, click HERE to email NetSafe for some comments you can adapt or cut and paste to use.
- Tell a trusted adult (for example a parent, caregiver, teacher or guidance counsellor) about what you think is happening. Remember, if you think someone might be grooming you, chances are they have groomed other people too.
- If you are in a chatroom, inform the chatroom moderators (some chatroom sites have a link you can email complaints to).
- If you are being groomed by mobile phone or want more information, call NetSafe on 0508 638 723.
- If at anytime you feel your safety is at risk, call the police straight away.
- Try and keep a copy of the chat conversation. If you are using IM or an internet chatroom, try to cut, copy and paste the text into a word document, or ask someone to help you do it. Print out or save any conversations or messages where possible. Give this copy to a trusted adult.
Need more help? Want more information? Contact NetSafe on queries@netsafe.org.nz.
Want to find out more about online grooming for sexual abuse? Click here.
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